Why does my kid shoplift?

Teen shoplifting is more common than you might think — but when you find out that your own teen shoplifts, it can be a very scary moment for you and your family. It is natural to feel angry, surprised, worried and curious: why is my teen shoplifting?

Before you respond, take some time to reflect on why your teen may have started shoplifting in the first place. Remember that most people like to get something for nothing – a bargain, a discount, a freebie. However, those people who actually resort to stealing are often “crying for help.” The shoplifting behavior may be a symptom of something deeper. Some underlying reasons your teen may have resorted to stealing:

  • Depression or anxiety – Your teen may be seeking a distraction from sadness, and shoplifting is a way to get a lift. Your teen may be seeking comfort to calm his or her fears in life.
  • Acceptance and competition – Of kids who shoplift, 89% know other kids who shoplift. Your teen may be pressured and want to fit in with their friend group.
  • Power and control – To counteract feeling lost or powerless, your teen may be trying to shoplift to feel in control.
  • Boredom and excitement – Your teen may be wanting to live life on the edge.
  • Entitlement and reward – Your teen may feel he or she is indestructible and at the center of the world. Shoplifting is a way to express this authority.
  • Shame and low self-esteem – If your child struggles with self-esteem, he or she may be stealing to create a reason to feel successful at something, even if that success occurs in a negative context like stealing.
  • Rebellion and initiation – Teens are constantly searching for their unique identities. Shoplifting may be his or her way to break into an “authentic” identity they want.

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How to respond to your teen shoplifting

When you discover your teen has shoplifted, there are often two responses that do not work well: letting it slide or over-reacting. Instead of these responses, take this opportunity to initiate a conversation. Remember to start the discussion when you are calm and are in a safe space with your child, like driving in the car.

  • Initiate conversation: If your child is shoplifting, use this opportunity to engage your child in a conversation. Rather than ignoring the behavior or overreacting to it with guilt and shame, genuinely connect to discover how your child is doing. We all like to learn about ourselves and uncover unrealized motivations; teens are no different. Addressing the behavior at this deeper level limits the wrestling match of deception and investigation. Ask questions, and seek to listen first.
  • Discuss the law: If your child has been caught shoplifting, you may want to hire a lawyer, but ensure that your child understands they are not off the hook. Explain that they are fully responsible for breaking the law and must accept the consequences.
  • Return the items: If you have caught your teen yourself, call the store’s loss-prevention department before returning the items. Your child should return the items to the store if they have not done so already, and write a letter of apology to the manager.

Moving forward, create opportunities to partner with your teen. Help them locate the emotional hurt from within and find necessary help for the underlying issues. Engaging with your teen today can help set them free for a lifetime.

Concerned about your teen’s behavior? Shelterwood Residential Treatment Agency offers real hope, real heart change and real restoration for struggling teens. Contact us to see if Shelterwood could be a fit for your teen.

Why does my kid shoplift?

Screen Shot 2015 12 30 at 12.52.29 PM 300x173 Why does my kid shoplift?Most people like to get something for nothing – a bargain, a discount, or a freebie. But those people who actually resort to stealing are often “crying for help.” According to Something for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery (2002), people who resort to stealing are actually trying to resolve one of the following ten emotional motivations.

  1. Anger – to try to take back, to make life fair
  2. Grief – to fill the void due to a loss
  3. Depression – to distract from sadness, to get a lift
  4. Anxiety – to calm fears, to comfort
  5. Acceptance & Competition – to fit in
  6. Power & Control – to counteract feeling lost or powerless
  7. Boredom & Excitement – to live life on the edge
  8. Entitlement & Reward – to compensate oneself for over-giving
  9. Shame & Low Self-Esteem – to create a reason to feel successful at something, even if it is a negative action like stealing
  10. Rebellion & Initiation – to break into one’s authentic identity

For parents raising teenagers, when stealing behavior occurs, two strategies do not tend to work well: “under kill” and “overkill.” Rather, I would suggest that stealing behavior is an invitation for a conversation with your child. Engage your teen in discussion about these deeper motivations as opposed to letting the behavior slide or overreacting to it with guilt and shame. We all like to learn about ourselves and uncover unrealized motivations – teens are no different. Addressing the behavior at this deeper level limits the wrestling match of deception and investigation. Instead, join your child in answering their cry for help by locating the emotional hurt within them, find them help to deal with the causal issues, and help set them free for a lifetime.