Over the years, I’ve watched hero after Christian hero “crash”– divorce, affairs, abuse…you name it. It made me angry and it scared me. It still scares me. It always leaves me realizing my own frailty and potential to “blow it.”
I have been challenged with the Biblical principle of accountability. After the partner of a popular Christian singer was discovered in an affair he said, “The key to staying pure is accountability.” He is absolutely right!
King Solomon wrote in the Bible, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor, for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion…a cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
I guess there’s irony in Solomon writing those words in that he himself would fail miserably in his own idolatry. I’m thinking, “two are better, but only if I’m willing to listen to others’ advice.” I’m thinking Solomon was “flying solo” when he should have been relying on his friends and his God.
I don’t want to fall. I want there to be true accountability in my life- friends to speak truth to me when I’m blind in a situation. I’ve always had good, close friends, but lately I’m making sure those relationships are up to date…lunch with an older mentor each week, dates with my wife Jeanie, monthly calls with my best friend in Nashville who knows me, and most of all, daily time with my best friend, Jesus.
As summer approaches, I’m making sure true friends surround me and are checking up on me. I need to be surrounded. I have to be surrounded.
Who surrounds you?
Getting your teen off your couch is often says more about your parenting skills than it does about the teen. We all need a little Parent Training because we tend to lack the courage to follow through on our directives. If it is time to take back your home this short Parent Training might be for you.
1. No problem for you.
- When we rescue the teenagers in our lives from difficulties THAT THEY COULD manage, we teach them two valuable lessons. One, they can get others to do their work. This produces entitlement and in working in mental health for a decade, I can say nobody who is entitled is happy. No one.
- Teenagers won’t do work that somebody else is willing to do for them. You were that way when you were a teenager. I was too. And I was good at it!
- Parents should believe enough in the teenagers who are in their lives to empower them through serving in a consultant role.
2. Offer choices.
- As you are listening, encouraging, consider offering some choices if the teenager is stuck.
- Remember your presentation of possible choices is YOUR job. Choosing and enacting them is theirs.
- Caregivers need to remember that a teenager can only score a goal if the teenager possesses the ball.
3. Consequences only.
- Consequences are the teacher. Enjoyable consequences and not so enjoyable consequences.
- Many folks who support teenagers, including me, are incessantly tempted to REMIND students of what they learned. I can then become construed fairly as condescending and the teenager then works to prove to me that they didn’t learn anything.
- Remember, none of us like other peoples’ ideas as much as we like our own! So we can smile, listen, love, consult, hug, then leave.
4. Don’t warn or remind.
- With regard to warnings and reminders, I have learned two things from the teenagers God places in my life. One, they teach others to not own what the adult intends the teenager to own.
- If I remind a teenager 5 times to get off the Wii, then I’ve just taught that teenager that he doesn’t have to listen to me until the 5th time.
- The real world doesn’t usually offer reminders.
5. Don’t justify or defend.
- When we justify our authority, it’s because WE don’t feel you have enough of it; that’s about us not them.
Parent Training reminds caregivers that a teenager can only score a goal if the teenager possesses the ball. Call to find out more parenting tips
These are five great ways to develop accountability within your relationship with your teen. These steps look simple but they do take some practice…. we dare you to give them an honest shot.
1. Wait until calm.
- We don’t do good work when we’re angry.
- The 93% of a message that’s communicated non verbally doesn’t lie.
- When we engage while angry, teenager focuses on our anger not there misbehavior
2. Stop talking sooner.
- Teenagers don’t especially enjoy or appreciate adult speeches.
- People don’t appreciate lectures and generally don’t like the ideas of others.
- Famous communicator, Dale Carnegie, reminds us that people like their own ideas not those of others.
- Actively listen, reflect, and promote exploration of THOSE (their ideas)
3. Lock-in empathy.
- This is the cornerstone of both Love and Logic and proficient interpersonal relations.
- This cannot be faked; especially with teenagers who are walking, living, breathing, polygraph machines.
- For example, explore the Fruit of the Spirit Paul writes in Galatians chapter 5. We can’t fake those.
4. Listen and confirm
- Teenagers don’t always need to have their way, they do always need to have their way listened to.
- We all crave a listening ear more than we do an open hand.
- Teenagers don’t need us to do everything for them.
- Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages of Development. Folks 13-18. Identity versus role confusion. Learn it. It will bless you.
- Listen and validate their feelings (not necessarily their behavior: Proverbs 15: 1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
5. Problem for teenager.
- When we consistently rescue teenagers from the low to no risk challenges in their lives, we actually rob them of learning opportunities they need to develop feelings of agency over their lives.
- Often, we as caregivers for teenagers, want SO much to reduce our perceptions of their struggles, we rescue them. This sends a potent, damaging, and unspoken message that the teenager is incapable. Who wants to teach the teenager in their lives THAT? Adolescents learn from two vehicles only: Experience and Example.
- We focus on supporting teenagers through loving and empowering accountability.